Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
