this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
