k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
