Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
