the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE