I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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