im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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