I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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