I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
my being single is dangerous.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
