jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
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I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
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Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
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