toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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