I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
