i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
