I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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