The maid of honor just puked.
Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
