I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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