He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
