a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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