i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
