uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
