i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
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Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
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The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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