I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
This show inspires me to have sex in space
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Randomize