i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
