I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
