seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Randomize
