you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
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it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
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Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together