Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
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he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
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You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina