I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
