either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
19 Totally Clueless People That’ll Make You Say ‘Bless Your Heart’
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
30 Times Ryan Reynolds’ Replies Were The Funniest Thing On Twitter
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...