Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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