Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
