that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
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After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
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Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?