I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
