I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
