Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
