Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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