In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
sarcasm needs its own font
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
