Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
