So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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