So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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