the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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