no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
