At least make sure they are 18
Why
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
