I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
