Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
