Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
