Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
