He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
