mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I understand Curling. That high.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
