do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
God, I missed his penis.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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