3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
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