She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Randomize
