So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
