was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
