A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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