shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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