I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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