i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Randomize
