Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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